Fans to Soltani: pressure Tesser to take refresher or appoint your successor
Fans question 40-year-old SunDrew headliner’s DJ skills, demand that Soltani make him take DJ refresher course to prepare for festival or resign
BERMUDA DUNES — Ticket holders were stunned on Tuesday evening after learning that aging DJ Tesser, SunDrew’s headliner and supportive boyfriend of highly criticized event organizer Yassie Soltani, celebrated his 40th birthday on February 8.
With SunDrew less than two weeks away, ticket holders questioned Tesser’s ability to perform at a high level given his advanced age, demanding that Soltani make him take lessons before the festival begins or submit her resignation.
Yassie Soltani
SunDrew Organizer
Sources close to and most likely younger than Tesser said they’ve been concerned about him for a long time, pointing to his well-established reputation for doing things that are associated with senior citizens.
“The issue about Tesser acting older than he is has always been black and white for me - it hasn’t gotten grey over time,” said Cake, Tesser’s late 30’s law school classmate and first person to teach him how to DJ. “He’s always been this way. I’ve known him for almost 20 years and that entire time he’s been older than me. I think that says a lot about him.”
Cake, Tesser’s personal lawyer, former roomate, and spin instructor, smiling with head kicked back looking off into distance while wearing indie outfit and bandana around neck.
Photo obtained from Instagram without permission.
“I’m honestly concerned about his health and safety at SunDrew,” said Sophea Driver, Tesser’s close friend, ticket holder, and the festival’s VP of Swag. “The SunDrew stages are not well lit, none of the stairs have railings, and several nights of dancing won’t be good for his sciatica.”
Sophea Driver, SunDrew’s VP of Swag, alongside shirtless husband Tommy Driver and SunDrew VP of Vibes, with sunglasses on and holding champagne.
Photo obtained from Instagram without permission.
“He’s old as fuuuuu*&^%$,” said HANZ, famous cat mom and extremely talented DJ who agreed to be interviewed via satellite from her unnecessarily large trailer parked on the SunDrew festival grounds. “I think his age has always affected his DJing. Messy transitions because he can’t see the screen. Poor track choice because he can’t hear. Weird DJ stance to protect his lower back.”
HANZ somewhere near extravagant trailer parked on SunDrew property holding motorcycle helmet above head with eyes closed.
Photo obtained from Instagram without permission.
“If anyone is aware of his senior tendencies it’s me,” said Soltani, who found it appropriate to vent about her significant other to a prominent media outlet. “He stops to read historical plaques, slows down at yellow lights while saying “Precious cargo in here”, and called me to ask me out on our first date instead of just asking by text like a regular person.”
Soltani continued. “He reads books and wants to talk about them, has no presence on Instagram, and scans every room he enters looking for someone who will have a serious conversation with him. Classic 50 - 60 year old behavior.”
The accounts provided by those close to Tesser are consistent with a secret recording recently obtained by the SunDrew times of a late-night conversation between Soltani and Tesser.
The recording, transcribed below, appears to capture Soltani returning from an outing with friends to find Tesser laid up on the couch nursing a back injury and struggling to hear Soltani at several points during the conversation.
In response to demands from fans that Tesser sign up for a DJ lessons before SunDrew, Soltani committed to making that happen.
“Although I desperately want to, I will not be resigning. We negotiated a deal with Tesser and I’m just waiting on his personal lawyer, Michael Sapira, Esq., to get back to me with the documents. I can’t disclose the terms, but I can tell you it involved me promising not to make him watch 90-Day Fiance with me ever again before bedtime,” said Soltani.
Tesser responded briefly to requests for comment after awaking from a short but energizing afternoon nap.
“I’ve made a commitment to taking the high road here, including taking some refresher DJ lessons before SunDrew,” said Tesser.
“After hearing that fans were concerned, I took action. I immediately turned on my favorite episode of the Workday Mindset Podcast and took a long walk outside. I meditated and took my vitamins, did some mobilization, watched a few episodes of the Golden Bachelor followed by a few of my favorite British murder mystery programs, both at a decent hour.”
“After that, I TP’d HANZs trailer, did donuts in her parking lot, unfollowed her on Instagram, put peanut butter insider her car door handle, and eventually went to bed. I hope my approach is an example of how to process feedback and criticism in a mature way. I’ll see you at my set.”